No More Old Self

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate my self. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not good enough. I`m not worth it. I`m not worth it. I`m not worth it. I`m not worth it. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m useless. I`m worthless. I`m worthless. I`m worthless. I`m worthless. I`m worthless. I`m no good. I`m not going to get better. I have no capacity to move on. I can`t move forward. I`m sad. I`m useless. I`m not feeling good. I`m not okay. I`m not loved. I feel like crap. I`m very sad. I`m alone. I can`t.

Exhausted And Unhappy

During the past few days, my life seems so messed up. It`s as if it`s in a state where it shouldn`t be. I am so exhausted with how things were poorly done in my life. I`m so fed up with the inconsistency of the beautiful things I should be having in life. Everything`s so complicated and confusing that often, I wonder if I`ll ever be even through such horrible times. I am so disgusted with the evil things around me yet I can`t even be as righteous as I can and ought to be. Everything`s tangled up, it`s as if I`m in the middle of a braided war between myself and situations. I often want to be isolated because that way, I`m away from human things. I just want to be whole and new. God, please help me. I am disoriented and melancholy. I am poor in your eyes. Please heal me, Lord. Thank you very much.

- Kathryn

Feeling Renewed

My inner self longs for peace, love, serenity and wholesomeness. This stubborn self isn`t happy being disobedient. How amazingly wonderful it is if only I have high self-control. With forgiveness, I am truly pleased with such wonderful grace for I do not deserve such omnipotent love.

Earlier, after I took a bath, I feel renewed. It`s as if all the mistakes in the past have assumingly been washed away physically. With the love from above, I was truly at peace knowing that someone is very faithful to me.

A few days ago, I originally intended to buy a planner but ended up getting a journal.

So far, it`s a great notebook to carry around. Somehow, I feel very inspired when I acquired this journal. It`s as if I was given more opportunities to let my thoughts flow through my hands.

It has been a journey full of ups and downs but thankfully I still have the love and inspiration to keep on appreciating the things that was provided for me. Life isn`t unfair, because it`s how one makes the most of it through choice. Decisions that can either break or make you. I have learned that in every little thing that I do, bigger consequences lie in wait. With this, cautious thinking, acting and speaking must be taken into great consideration.

I hope everybody will have a positive mindset this week. Have a beautiful day.

Thank you for reading.

- Kathryn

Waking Up In The Darkness

“If you falter in a time of trouble, how small is your strength!” – Proverbs 24:10

Earlier as I awoke from a nap, pure blackness enveloped me. Terrified, I blindly sensed the switch for the light. As I skimmed through my senses, my heart pounded for the possibilities of where and how I am in that state and to where that situation will lead my life. Suddenly waking up and finding yourself in nowhere is daunting.

This experience is comparable to life. At times, life feels as if we`re skimming through our feelings and consciousness if we`re even living in reality. If this was just a dream that has been rolling on for long or a fantasy that has been taking actuality in a different world. Opening the eyes after an idle tranquility with obscurities surrounding makes the heart pound with uncertainty. It`s as if things were not obviously mysterious enough that it even made things more inscrutably alarming and frightful.

When I sensed the switch, I turned it on. As the light brought brightness to my anxious soul, I sensed a high level of acknowledgment and appreciativeness. How wonderful it is that I am not blind. I was relieved. The light that calmed my being brought great peace. Just like the words of encouragement, wisdom and hope, they provide a great sense of comfort and care to the seemingly never ending trip and hike to the top of the mountain where judgment lies patiently and properly.

Waking up in the darkness, skimming through to find light until it brightens provided a great story to look back on. It is a small reflection of what one have to go though before he reaches the understanding of what beauty there is to appreciate. As I went back to sleep, despite the questions that troubles, warmth comforted me as I become still and slept the seemingly unimportant conflict away.

“You can`t stop the waves, you can learn to surf.”

- Kathryn

Taking Things In A Positive Light

Love and life coexist the way both my brain and heart have to function. It`s not even a question whether one matters most or not. Both are equally important. In life, looking at things in a positive perspective will greatly help in knowing what I truly aspire for.

Acceptance and forgiveness. They are just two words yet have deep meanings. These two are the most common things people tend to overlook. Acceptance of facts, happenings and people is not as easy as one may think. Accepting the unknown to our lives is like giving a step forward in the diving platform. At first try, it may be frightening, but once you have experienced the thrill and elation, you open yourself up for more. Forgiving is not just a part of one`s dramatic act. It`s actually a life-long process. Once a person forgives, there are more actions in the aftermath. It involves a more complex formula. Which is mystery. One has to continue his journey toward the future.

Optimism. Such a powerful character. Hope lingers above.

Good night!

- Kathryn

A Cold Examination Week

This week is examination week for departmental subjects. I`m quite challenged but the determination I have isn`t enough. The weather has been cold lately and I really liked it.

On Thursday, I`ll have my examination in Mathematics. For now, I might label it as an easy subject but studying for the test is still necessary. I`m quite driven to study hard but the responsibilities and obligations I took are difficult to have. Sometimes I feel as if I`m secretly taking away someone else`s should-be priorities as my own. Because of one`s lack of responsible management, one has to put on heavier loads of problems. I didn`t have to suffer though, it starts with the mind.

It`s been very cold. It`s as if the air conditioner is always open wherever I go. The feeling is really nice though.

I`ve been producing inactive participation on important events lately. It`s time for another change. Right now.

- Kathryn

A Day Outside The House

Today is a very exhausting day. I went to the National library and researched for my report. So far, so good. It`s better that I worked instead of procrastinated. This day seemed like a normal one.

Unfortunately, I didn`t have the opportunity to splurge my time in the library. Just searching for the books that I needed took so much time. Nevertheless, the library is extensive. I really liked it. They have a wide variety of books, newspapers, magazines and many more. They also have old and rare things. I was slightly unaware at first that the book that I was intending to borrow was more than 20 years old. I was fortunate enough to find and borrow the book. It was "Orosman at Zafira" of Balagtas (Francisco Baltazar). Earlier before I searched for this book, I searched for articles that was needed for my report. Slightly unaware again, I didn`t notice that the newspapers that was on my search list was over 25 years. Unfortunately, I was able to find only one article. Anyway, I honestly appreciated that the library kept the broadsheets, magazines and others that were published. I even saw a collection of magazines that were published in the 70`s. They had them arranged according to specific ranges of dates. The experience inside the library was thrilling.

I also acquired a small tripod for my camera so I can start filming videos for my new channel in Youtube. The sales lady called it the "Octopus" probably because it looked like it has three tentacles.  

When I was heading home, there were some people on the way that was out because of the smoke-like circled around the moon. It looked like as if the moon is perfectly in the middle of the circle. The circle around it also looked flawless in shape. (It can`t be seen on the picture above because it wasn`t as bright as the moon. The circles on the picture other than the moon is probably because of my camera.)

This was a normal day, but I`m grateful that I had it.

- Kathryn